I haven’t posted a blog in forever because this is the thing I’m compelled to write, but I’ve been scared to publish. My friends will read this. My husband’s friends might read this. The parents of my children’s friends might read this. My coworkers might read this.
Do I want to be this honest about something so intimate? More hesitation.
But then women were raped in India…and it’s okay to pay me less than a man for the same job…and it’s legally justifiable to fire me if I’m too attractive…and my uterus is being regulated by the government…and women who are raped are incarcerated for sex outside of marriage…and women who twerk are skanks…and gay men are being tortured for being gay… and really? My tolerance for continued ignorance on this issue has just about reached its limit.
I’ve written this a million times in my head over the last few weeks. Then, sick with the flood of thoughts I was resisting writing, I started putting pen to paper. Just to ease the pressure. But it was unrelenting.
So, this is it. I’m going to try to say what I need to say about this without putting my foot in my mouth, but I’ll probably end up eating shoe despite my best efforts. Here goes…
Let’s begin with…
Sex, in all of its manifestations…orientation, gender, organs, reproduction, etc…. needs a divorce. It needs a divorce from repression and morality.
Morality is a tricky word. Morality pretends like it means “good.” But what it really means is “judgement.” Because it requires a human to judge what is right and what is wrong. Morality says crazy things like “a woman should not be permitted to walk around independently, we’ll teach her a lesson by raping her.” Or “a woman who dresses like that is asking for it.” Or “firing a woman because she’s too attractive to work with is acceptable.” And a whole host of fairly odd other things.
For perspective, it used to be immoral for me to be married to my Mexican-American husband. [I want to laugh just typing that, except it’s not really a laughing matter that not long ago people were shunned, arrested and killed (ironically) for doing the “immoral” thing I have done.]
Yes, it’s not an uncommon historical occurrence for morality to get it wrong.
…It’s like VHS in a DVD world.
Right now people are walking around yelling “GAY IS WRONG” and “NO EQUAL PAY FOR WOMEN” and “WHORE.” And basically what they are yelling is, “VHS, VHS, VHS!”
And a bunch of us are standing around scratching our heads thinking, “I didn’t even know VHS was still out there. Is this an actual argument?”
And we’ve been relatively quiet because it never occurred to us that people would so passionately advocate for VHS, when its flaws are so obvious.
Oh, wait, we have to throw our passion behind DVDs? Really? I thought DVDs sold themselves. Um, okay. “DVD, DVD, DVD!?!?”
(Yes, I know DVD is now being replaced by digital. It’s a metaphor. Roll with it.)
Morality, like data storage, is constantly changing. If you want to get behind something and have a reasonable chance of being right; get behind something timeless. Try these: Love. Acceptance. Self-management. And refrain from inflicting damage or hurt. These principles stand alone. Advocate passionately for them and you’ll never find yourself on the wrong end of history/morality.
So, let me ask you, how much easier would it be to be human, if we could be so without sexual shame, struggle, and fear?
If we could eliminate the fight between:
Man vs. Woman
Gay vs. Straight
Abstinence vs. Safe Sex
Being good vs. Being a sexual being
and on, and on, and on….
If instead it was:
Man and Woman
Gay and Straight
Abstinence and Safe Sex
Being good and Being a sexual being.
Holy shit, I feel awesome just typing that second list.
I mean, think of how much time and energy we’d have to address a real problem like hunger, or cultivate world peace, if we weren’t so focused on putting social, cultural and dogmatic controls on all things sex related.
I often wonder, how did sex become the bad guy and weapons become a basic need?
Which one of these things might be necessary for the continuation of a species?
Which one might have more support from God?
Hell, which one was created by God?
Because, I have to be honest, when I’m making my “evidence that God exists” list, “ORGASM,” is right up there at the top. I mean, it serves no biological purpose. The need to continue the species is quite enough biological pressure for humans to actively procreate. And reproduction is possible without the physical sensation of orgasm. The pleasure of an orgasm is just a little bonus gift. Or a big one. …Just sayin’.
It’s Sunday in Texas. Let’s imagine what might happen if I walked into a grocery store today and started asking people about sexual freedom. Now let’s imagine what might happen if I walk in and start talking to people about the right to bear arms.
Here’s what I want (and I think what we all want)…I want to be MYSELF in all its glory. An intelligent woman. Capable of doing anything a man can do (some physical tasks aside). With a kind heart. The ability to self-regulate. The ability to forgive and learn from my mistakes. An amazing relationship with God. A curvy body that I’m not hiding. And a libido.
Your SELF is just awesome, and worth acknowledging. Worth embracing. Worth being. I want you to feel comfortable being yourself.
Now, I’m all for privacy. But not privacy based on shame or repression. Because repression is unnecessary, unhealthy, and unwelcome. And don’t get me wrong, regulation is needed sometimes. For instance, when people violate other people…or animals. …I’m not judging, but let’s not climb too deep into the rabbit hole.
What I’m suggesting is that we approach life, including sex, with Love. Acceptance. Self-management. And refrain from inflicting damage or hurt. Teach and trust people, in all things, to have self-control; to be self-regulating, to be responsible for themselves.
FOCUS ON THAT.
And having done that, give sex a divorce from morality/repression.
They were married ages ago in a shot-gun wedding, and it’s just not working out.