First let me tell you, good girls are good because they know when to be bad. This is one of those times. Be bad. If you thought this was an article on when to close your eyes and plug your ears and still get to see the movie all of your raunchy coworkers are seeing, you’re wrong. Keep reading though, because if this is you, you need this blog more than anyone. Let your freak fly, ladies.
I’m a good girl… a proper lady…a devoted mom…a committed wife, and contrary to conservative belief that does not mean that I deny the existence or function of my lady parts beyond their child bearing capacities. Oh no, I acknowledge, and so do other women. I know this because Magic Mike made a killing this weekend.
So here’s what you do…here’s the good girl’s guide to seeing Magic Mike:
1. IGNORE all of the movie reviews from male strippers who are offended.
Now it could be that I have very little sympathy for male strippers. Austin used to have a male review. My mom dated one of the “leads.” Frank, AKA Hercules, who looked a lot like Fabio (it was the 80’s). One morning, I came out to find Hercules, I mean Frank, in his underwear drinking my orange juice out of the container. The last of the orange juice, in fact. When I asked what exactly he thought he was doing (I was 8 going on 38, I can’t imagine why), he said, “oh, sorry,” and tossed the container in the trash. Kudos to him for at least doing that. I immediately notified my mother that Hercules was in our kitchen drinking directly out of containers, and that his time as an honorary member of our family was over. I never saw him again. This isn’t me therapizing. This is me explaining that if we were playing the word association game, and you said, “male stripper,” I would immediately follow with, “orange juice stealing bastards.” I admit this is probably an over generalization.
Regardless, offended strippers, you’re going to be alright.
2. IGNORE all of the movie reviewers who “just don’t get it,” and say the movie has “no substance.”
There is nothing to get. DO NOT go into this movie wanting male strippers who are emotionally available and able to communicate. DO NOT go into this moving wanting male strippers to be able to strip, emote, and communicate a heavy storyline about how love finds a way. No, No. You go into this movie thinking, “less talking, more stripping,” and “stop talking and take off your pants! You can establish a relationship with your costar after the movie is over.” There is no place for communication and emotion in a movie with gratuitous amounts of neked flesh from Channing Tatum, Adam Rodriguez, Joe Manganiello, Alex Pettyfer, Matthew McConaughey, and Matt Bomer (who is incidentally my pick for Christian Grey). Please, women need a…what do you men call it? Oh ya, women need a “spank bank” too and we don’t need you mucking it up by saying something stupid. Just, “shhh,” get naked, and go look pretty for me.
3. Forget any past male stripping trauma you have.
On my 21st birthday, one of my best friends in the world took me to a male review. I was wearing a cute little skirt, black top, and heels. I was lap danced not once, but twice. In the middle of the dance floor in front of a large group of women. I was shy. It was awkward, and it got a lot more awkward during the second lap dance. My lap dancer came out in a bath towel and began dancing a shower scene. I remember very clearly what happened next. He PURRED in my ear, “prrrrrr.” Stood up. Poured half a glass of water down his chest. Bent over. And poured the other half of the glass of water in my lap. The problem was, I was fully clothed and he was not. I watched the water splatter and pool in a puddle on my skirt, turned around to make eye contact with my friend, and mouthed “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.”
But like I said, forget men who don’t know what to do with glass cups.
Two reasons: First, male stripping is not about seduction. It never was. It’s about fun. Second, male stripping should never have been live…it was made for the big screen. Oh yes, because the kind director, editor, producer, etc. has so graciously cut out all of the awkward parts. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
So forget your past experiences. This movie is edited to perfection for your viewing pleasure. And what a pleasure it is.
4. This movie is rated R.
Not that I think you should worry about anyone else thinking you’re a pervert for going to see this movie, but it’s rated R, so IT’S NOT EVEN THAT BAD. (Now, I’d like to propose to Mr. Soderbergh that Magic Mike 2 be at least NC-17 because I for one would really like to know what Mike has to do to make a $20 tip.)
Magic Mike’s not bad, but it’s soooo good, because they show all the good parts. What are the good parts? Well, I’m not telling you women anything you don’t know here: Penises are great, but they’re not cute. Men like to look at them. I think 1. because they want to be sure it’s still there and 2. it’s their best friend. But women are more concerned with what can be done with them.
We women like to look at 6-8 pack abs, and…and V-formed obliques, and…and sculpted arms, and…and beautiful tan skin, and…and firm bubble butts. Mhm. Yep.
This is why women LOOOVE the summer Olympics swimming events, and why we hate those new special swim suits that cover athletes from head to toe. Is this about winning or ratings!? Get your priorities straight, people!
Where was I? Ah, yes. This movie had all the pretty parts a plenty. AND, God bless Channing Tatum, that man dances like he knows exactly what to do with ALL of his parts. We women have very active imaginations. Use yours to fill in the gap from “R” to “NC-17” and don’t you feel guilty one bit! I used mine to imagine how Channing gets that $20 tip. Channing! You devil!
5. See this movie with at least one other FUN friend.
Don’t bring your judgy friend. Don’t bring your friend who pretends to be offended the whole time because she thinks that’s what good girls do. NO, NO, NO. Bring your friend who may, or may not (you just never know, but the propensity is there), stand up mid-movie and yell, “TAKE IT OFF!” That’s who you want to take with you. If you know a group of these women, not only are you crazy lucky to have such amazing girlfriends, but take them all and get crazy.
*Please note: If you are the woman who pretends to be offended because you think that’s what good girls do, leave that shit at home and GO. HAVE. FUN. As I said before, this is the time and the place to let your freak fly. Proper by day, freak by night.
6. See this movie after dinner with margaritas and preferably at a theater that serves adult beverages.
Do this just to be sure any latent “good girl” in you is properly silenced, and the bad girl in you is ready to have fun. As always, drink responsibly.
7. Play a beer game.
My girls and I decided before the movie that we would sip our beers after each “penis pop.” It was really the piece-de-resistance of the entire experience. Choose something similar, make it yours, and have a blast. You’re welcome.
8. After the movie, go immediately home to your husband, boyfriend, FWB, battery operated assistive device, whatever.
After the movie, my girls and I discussed the fact that a smart man would see a movie that ends at the same time as Magic Mike and mingle as the movies let out. Best place to meet a girl, EVER. (Please note, unless you are going to see Magic Mike with your wife or girlfriend, going to see this movie to pick up women is not going to work. We women will assume you are either gay or creepy. Neither of which is “date” material. Well, unless you’re like me and repeatedly attracted to gay men because they’re fabulous and your mother told you George Michael was the quintessential man. But I digress.)
9. Feel free to see it more than once on the big screen.
10. Buy the DVD as soon as it comes out.
Buy it Blu-Ra, even if you don’t have Blu-Ra, so you can have the digital copy and download it on your phone. That way you can secretly watch it when your children are driving you nuts at the park, or in your parking lot at work during lunch, or at the airport terminal as you wait for your flight. The movie is eye candy and research has shown that sugar is a natural pain reliever. Again, you’re welcome.
Please GAWD hurry it up with that DVD.
So there you have it. My good girl’s guide. Now go forth and enjoy, again, and again, and again.