In October I watched a lot of Oprah. By the beginning of November I had sun shining out of my arse and was turning garbage into rainbows left and right. By mid-November I had tanked and begun what I endearingly refer to as the “December-Up-Hill-Crawl-Through-Shark-Infested-Mud.” Over the years, the holidays have become my nemesis. It’s a little bit Charlie Brown, a little bit gluttonous consumerism, a little bit parents dying at the least convenient time possible. Anywho. It typically takes me about two weeks to shake off my December funk. Typically. This year, not so much. By week one of January, in a desperate attempt to feel better, I set off for the book store in search of every self-help…correction… personal growth title I’ve had on my list to read for the past year. I started with, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.
Spoiler Alert: I’m going to tell you The Secret. Avert your eyes, people, if you want to stay poor and continue living in the dark. The Secret is that the most powerful law in the universe is the law of attraction. Your thoughts have “magnetic” power and they pull things to you. Your life today is what it is because of your thoughts in the past. It’s enlightening, and empowering, and terrifying. I immediately started using the principles the book teaches: request, believe, receive. Positive thinking, gratitude, etc. After one week of doing this I’m freaking exhausted because, being the perfectionist I am, I’m trying to be perfectly positive. I knew we had a problem when I woke up one morning tired as shit. John asked me how I felt, and I thought “TIRED,” but I said, “mm, nn, uhhh, pft.” Because if I SAY I’m tired, I magnetically pull more tired to me, God knows I don’t need that.
But I’m a horrible liar and part of The Secret rule is, if I say, “I feel great!” I have to really sell it to the universe. I’ve had one semester of drama in my entire life. Well, drama as in theater arts. I’ve had shit tons of drama my entire life (which of course I must have asked for based on my new found knowledge of The Secret). The semester I was in drama we put on the play, “Romeo and Julie.” Yes, Julie. It was a romantic comedy based on Shakespeare’s tragic play. Having shown absolutely no ability to act throughout the semester, I was passed over immediately for all of the main characters. Determined to be more than just an extra in the dance scene, I seized an opportunity for a speaking part. Watching the auditions for the part of the “WALL,” I saw what I had to do. You see, whilst Romeo was physically climbing over the wall, the wall’s line was, “oh my aching back.” But a series of auditioners failed miserably at making the audience feel the wall’s pain. Knowing what I must do, I got up on that stage, I dug down deep to the bottom of my soul, and I was the most back achingest wall the theater teacher had ever seen. A few things happened that day. I finally got a smile from the theater teacher, I sealed the deal on being an utter door mat for my peers in middle school, and I apparently inspired the character of Sue Heck from The Middle. For serious. Don’t tell me you don’t see the resemblance now.
So back to now, where I’m fatigued from trying to sell my positive thoughts, constantly reframing negative thoughts into positive thoughts, thanking the universe 300 times each day, visualizing whirled peas, and panicking every time a negative thought creeps in because the consequences are an unfulfilled life of limited happiness and poverty. My interpretation anyway.
Perfectionist + Self Help/Personal Growth =’s the need for more intense self help/personal growth.
And deep cleansing breaths, in, and out. I went to my therapist and she helped me develop a perfectionist’s transition plan to letting The Secret change your life for the better. This week I requested an up front parking spot from the universe, but didn’t get it. John dropped by my office to put a new registration sticker on my car. He texted me to ask why I didn’t ask the universe for a closer parking spot. My calm response was, “I did, but I apparently I didn’t BELIEVE it, so I didn’t receive it.” It’s cool. Like I said, the universe knows when you’re bullshitting.
All anxiety aside, I really do love The Secret. It makes me happy. I’ve been visualizing my $100,000 check. I printed it out off the “The Secret” Web site. This week I spent $5 on lottery tickets and won $3, so we’re well on our way to wealth and happiness. I can feel it. I believe.